The Low-down on my life

This blog post comes with a warning. If you do not personally know me, you may want to skip reading this - I don't want to scare off anyone who reads my book reviews. :-)

I had a couple people at church tonight commenting that they miss my blog posts, that all I do is book reviews now - and here I didn't think anyone read what I write. :-)

Anyway, I thought I'd give what I hope is a brief explanation - knowing me and my gift of gab, it probably will not be brief.

Sixteen months ago, I moved back to Ohio, after living in Indiana for two years. I did have a part-time job for several months, but had to quit that. Since early July, I have not had a job, and try without success to get one. Thankfully, my dad lays carpet as a side job, and has needed my help enough over the past few months that I have been able to pay my bills - car payment, car insurance, cell phone, and storage unit, where 99% of my possessions rest.

For the last sixteen months, I have been living in my parents' basement, with not much privacy, though I am thankful they have allowed me to stay.

Now that is my circumstances. Over the course of this time, I have steadily become more and more discouraged and depressed - and am actually suffering from depression - self-diagnosed, and also by friends, have not made it to a doctor yet, but my symptoms line right up with depression.

Some of the reasons:

Since I moved back, I have really felt disconnected from everyone was very close to before - as in friends - and feel disconnected from my church.

I turned 40 in May, and as stupid as it may sound, it has really affected me negatively. I hate it - I guess it is such a big milestone, and my life is so far from where I want it to be - and good grief, I'm living with my parents!

Due to financial problems over the past 5 years or so, I had to file for bankruptcy - another nail in the coffin of failure.

Uh, the living with my parents - that is depressing at my age.

Largely in part to the depression, I am sure, my relationship with God is a mess. I struggle more than ever with trusting God, and believing He cares - I daily wonder if He has a plan for my life, or if have I messed it up too badly. I have a hard time praying, and it seems like nothing I pray for happens.

Life-long battles I have had, which were much abated in the two years I lived in Indiana, have come back with a vengeance.

The future scares me. For reasons I can't go into here, I will most likely never marry, yet the idea of being alone for the rest of my life terrifies me.

Filing bankruptcy may play a big part in this, but I even fear living by myself again - will I be able to afford a place of my own, pay all my bills, without getting into debt again? The last time I lived by myself is when my financial issues started snowballing.

I find myself doubting myself constantly - I wonder if I can do anything right. I really don't want to go anywhere - even church. I'd rather just stay home and not be around people. I feel like a mess.

Anyway, all of this has a major effect on my blogging - the more depressed I am, the less I blog - if it were not for the book reviews, I wouldn't be blogging at all.

So my apologies to my friends who actually want to read about what I'm thinking - and my apologies to anyone else who actually read through this. I would ask an interest in anyone's prayers who might read this. Thanks.