A Happy Medium

No, this blog post isn't about a fortune teller that found true happiness, sorry to disappoint.......... ;-)

The happy medium I am talking about is Christianity. Oh I know, we shouldn't be "medium Christians" - that isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about something different entirely.

I grew up in a very conservative church, and still attend. We believe a lot differently from most churches. We believe that you can "fall from grace", that once you become a Christian that yes, your sins are forgiven - your past sins, not future. That the Bible has some definite principles for modesty and differences between men and women. Stuff like that. Do I agree with everything my church teaches and believes? No. But neither do I agree with everything other churches I have run across.

I grew up believing too much in a performance based religion, and to be honest, that has me pretty screwed up. More than church did it. I was picked on and bullied so much growing up that somewhere along the line I started believing no one liked me, loved me, that I was worthless and inferior. I never remember taking a conscious step to think that if no one else liked me or wanted me, then God didn't either, but at some point that became part of my ideology.

I believed that people only liked me if I did certain things, acted in certain ways. Had I liked and been good at sports, the other kids at school would have accepted me and liked me. That was later reinforced the year soccer and I clicked. I was good with my feet and excelled at soccer. They wanted me on my team. But alas, that was later in high school after the damage had already been done.

I believed the guys in my family didn't like me or love me because I had no interest in hunting, like all of the other males in my family. I loved to read, and that didn't fit into what they wanted out of a cousin, a son. I started withdrawing into myself more, began feeling more inferior. I'd try to serve God, but even as a teen I was already messed up. I was looking for bells and whistles when I went to the altar. They never came, so I never could believe I was a Christian. So I would give it up.

Then college came. I was picked on more, but thankfully not to the extent that I had been in school, but it did nothing to help my emotions and self image.

At the age of 21, something happened inwardly, that changed the rest of my life. I began a lifelong struggle with a besetting sin. I felt from day one that I was doomed. There was no way I could go to Heaven. It just snowballed. As the days and years ticked by,my views of God became more skewed and wrong. I struggled to believe He loved me. And that grew worse.

There were times  my secret sin threatened to completely destroy me and swallow me up. I'd go through cycles. I would repent and try to serve God. The conviction and despair would become too great. Yet, serving a God who I couldn't believe loved me was too difficult for me to keep it up very long.

People have asked me why I want to serve a God I cannot believe loves me. There are a few reasons. In spite of everything, there has always been a desire to do right. Also, of course I want to go to Heaven, and one cannot do that without serving God. And the conviction. At times it was overwhelming, yet I wonder if I prayed just enough to get relief, or did God actually come into my heart. And so often over the years, I was scared into going to the altar with scary stories told during altar calls.

I grew to believe that God was just waiting for me to fall, so He could throw me out. st

There are Christians who would say as long as I truly became a Christian at one point in my life, that my eternity is secure. That we all sin daily in word, thought and deed. I disagree. For one thing, sin is sin - so are they ok with a murderer or rapist sinning their sin every day and saying they are a Christian?

But is there a happy medium? Between a Christian being able to sin as much as he wants and go to Heaven, and feeling God is going to toss  you aside if you mess up?

From what I know of the Bible, Christians don't sin. We call people sinners who sin. I cannot find where the Bible supports the idea of "once you're in, you're in." I've heard all of the pro-arguments and think they are extremely weak. I also can't find the judgmental, hateful God who I see who doesn't love me because I fail and have failed so much.

I realize life and my experiences have affected my view of God, but why does He seem to not care about changing those beliefs?

I've read and heard people say that God proved His love on Calvary, and He doesn't need to prove it again, but what about someone like me who struggles so much with believing that.

I believe God will forgive if I mess up, if I fall, but how can I believe He loves me no matter what I do?

I need to find that happy medium. Between the belief that a Christian can sin, eternal security - and believing God is standing by just waiting for me to mess up.